..:: ZOMBiE Destinee ::..

Friday, February 24, 2006
Lame Jokes
[ZOMBiE CyGiG] ranted at 10:57 PM --- Post#114079502304485808

Sianz Firday nite, again me was in SPUG and found some lame jokes.

Disclaimer: The following are merely jokes, no insults are intended. Read them in an open mind. Contain certain vulgarities and sexual content. Do not read on if you feel uncomfortable. The jokes are not by me. They are extracted from
http://www.spug.net/forums/showthread.php?t=46623&page=1&pp=15

Find x

Radio Competittion
This is *supposedly* a true story. It occurred on a Melbourne
Australia radio show. One of the FM stations has a competition
where they phone someone up, ask them three personal questions,
phone their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions,
if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one
Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?
Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the
other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter:: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three
questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you
win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to
work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go
for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co- Presenter: That's close enough ...Brian was just being a
gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No
way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter
anyway... just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .....alright .....Up the ass!

The demon and the princess
有一天魔王把公主抓住, 公主一直叫...

魔王: 你尽管叫破喉咙吧, 没有人会来救你的! 哈哈哈!!
公主: 破喉咙~ 破喉咙~
没有人: 公主~ 我来救你了!
魔王: 妈的! 说曹操曹操就到!
曹操: 魔王! 你叫我干嘛?
魔王: 哇唠! 看到鬼!
鬼: 靠! 被发现了!
靠: 胡说! 谁发现我?
谁: 关我屁事?
魔王: Oh my GOD!
上帝: 谁叫我?
谁: 没有人叫你啊!
没有人: 我哪有?

从此, 魔王精神分裂..

how to china kids learn chinese...
must - 妈死
yes-爷死
nice-奶死
bus-爸死
mouse-猫死
girls-哥死
was-我死
kiss-气死
Benz-笨死
SARS-杀死
jazz-姐死
this-弟死
mace-妹死
goes-狗死

High-Tech Restroom

A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of a

restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was

occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his

predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies

room, but cautioned him not to press any of the

buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked

WW, WA, PP and ATR.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening

to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his

curiosity got the best of him.

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a

gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom.

He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and

body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom

and dried it comfortably.

"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long

in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A

soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted

his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for

the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just

wearing off...confused he buzzed the nurse to find out

what happened.

He explained the last thing he remembered was intense

pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a

great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon

Removal button."

MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T.you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). his course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T. If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

P.S.: Now send this S.H.I.T. to 5 people who need S.H.I.T.in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T. They have already had fill of S.H.I.T.

Impure Mathematics
------ -----------
To prove once and for all that math can be fun, we
present: Wherein it is related how that paragon of womanly
virtue, young Polly Nomial (our heroine) is accosted by that
notorious villain Curly Pi, and factored (oh horror!!!)
Once upon a time (1/t) pretty little Polly Nomial was
strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary
of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent, and her
mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never
enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however,
who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling
particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis
that it was insufficient and made her way in amongst the complex
elements. Rows and columns closed in on her from all sides.
Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor.
Quite suddendly two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a
single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of
directrix, and went completely divergent. As she tripped over a
square root that was protruding from the erf and plunged
headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once more,
she found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidean
space.
She was being watched, however. That smooth operator,
Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her
curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face.
He wondered, "Was she still convergent?" He decided to
integrate properly at once.
Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and
saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated.
She could see at once by his degenerate conic and dissipative
that he was bent on no good.
"Arcsinh," she gasped.
"Ho, ho," he said, "What a symmetric little asymptote
you have I can see you angles have lots of secs."
"Oh sir," she protested, "keep away from me I haven't
got my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator, "your
fears are purely imaginary."
"I, I," she thought, "perhaps he's not normal but
homologous."
"What order are you?" the brute demanded.
"Seventeen," replied Polly.
Curly leered "I suppose you've never been operated on."
"Of course not," Polly replied quite properly, "I'm
absolutely convergent."
"Come, come," said Curly, "let's off to a decimal place
I know and I'll take you to the limit."
"Never," gasped Polly.
"Abscissa," he swore, using the vilest oath he knew.
His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a
log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities.
He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing out her
points of inflection. Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was
now her only hope. She felt his digits tending to her asymptotic
limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.
There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator.
Curly's radius squared itself; Polly's loci quivered. He
integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. After
he cofactored, he performed runge - kutta on her. The complex
beast even went all the way around and did a contour
integration. What an indignity - to be multiply connected on
her first integration. Curly went on operating until he
completely satisfied her hypothesis, then he exponentiated and
became completely orthogonal.
When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that
she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated
in several places But it was to late to differentiate now. As
the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically.
Finally she went to L'Hopital and generated a small but
pathological function which left surds all over the place and
drove Polly to deviation.
The moral of our sad story is this: "If you want to
keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single
degree of freedom."

The nun
A guy gets on a bus and notices a nun sitting over in a corner. Through her heavy head piece he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you. Can we get together some time?"

The nun leaves the bus in a huff.

Later as the guy is about to leave the bus himself, the bus driver asks the guy if he was the one who was bothering the nun. The guy again apologizes, explaining once again that he seldom did this sort of thing, but the bus driver says: "No, don't apologize, I was checking her out myself. In fact, let me do you a favour. Did you see where she got off? There's a little park there, and every day she goes there to pray at the same time. Go there tomorrow, and maybe....."

The guy thanks him and leaves.

Sure enough, the guy goes to the park and there's the little nun in a secluded spot by some trees. He goes off into the bushes, and comes back a few minutes later in a long white robe, a long blond wig with beard and a crown of thorns. The nun is flabbergasted, and asks what she can do for him. He says that every couple of thousand years, he likes to come back to earth to get laid. The nun says that she'd love to help him, but that she was on her period, and would the back door be OK?

He says fine, and they commence their activities.

A few minutes into it, he is suddenly overcome with a blast of guilt, and says, panting, "Sister, I have to tell you something. I'm not really Jesus, I'm actually the guy who was annoying you on the bus yesterday.

The nun says, "Oh, that's OK. In fact, I'm not really a nun. I'm actually the bus driver."

Military work rules

1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer's statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come to work.

2. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this practice. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.

3. Death, Other than Your Own: This is no excuse. If you can arrange the funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date.

4. Death, Your Own: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.

5. Quantity of Work: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.

6. Quality of Work: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.

7. Advice from the Commanding Officer: Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

8. The senior officer is Always Right.

9. When the senior officer is Wrong, Refer to Rule 8.

Questions to ponder about
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 995 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Three engineers and three accountants
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train.

The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all).

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

HOW THE CHINESE STAY PUT IN ITALY

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese
had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese
community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a
member of the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the
Pope wins, the Chinese would leave.

The Chinese realized that they had no other choice. So they picked
an Ah Pek to represent them. Ah Pek asked for one condition to be added to the debate. "To make it more interesting", he said, "Neither side would be allowed to talk".

The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came.

Ah Pek and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute.
Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Ah Pek looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Ah Pek pointed to the ground at where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine.
Ah Pek pull out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said: "I give up. This man is too good. The
Chinese can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around The Pope asking him
what happened?. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to
represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me
that there was still one God common to both our religions."
"Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all
around us."
He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was
also right here with us."
"I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin. He
showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin. He had an answer for
everything.
What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Pek.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Ah Peh, "First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3
days to get out of here.
I replied to him f*@k off and not one of us was leaving."
"Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese.
I showed him that we are staying right here."
"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd.
"I don't know", said Ah Pek, "He took out his lunch, and I took out
mine!!!"

when viagra was not invented..
Pencil in penis backfires

A Serbian man needed emergency surgery after sticking a pencil inside his penis to keep it stiff during sex.

Zeljko Tupic, from Belgrade, told doctors he had experienced erectile difficulties in the past.

So as he prepared for a night with his new lover, he decided to insert a thin pencil into his penis.

Tupic had to cut his sex session short when the pencil shifted and became lodged in his bladder, forcing him to call an ambulance, the daily Kurir reported.

Doctor Aleksandar Milosevic from Belgrade's Zvezdara hospital, who succesfully removed the pencil, said: "At first the patient did not tell us what really happened, but x-rays proved the truth.

"Tupic said he had no idea there were things like Viagra available but agreed that in future he will try pills before he takes any more chances with pencils."

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/s...es.quirkygaffes

Mother Nature
On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.

Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life.....better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

Then POOF!...she was gone.

After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!... Harry!... where are you?"

Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."

Fred screams back..... "DON'T SWING!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE!! DON'T SWING!!!"

The red shirt
In the days where tall, wooden ships sailed the high seas, there was this one ship sailing during a war. That morning, the lookout shouted, "enemy ship on the horizon." The captain said to his ensign, "Get me my red shirt." The ensign, rather bewilder ed from this odd request, did as his captain ordered. Thought he battle was a long one, the captain and his crew managed to fend off the enemy ship.

Later that day, the lookout shouted, "two enemy ships on the horizon." As before, the captain said to his ensign, "Get me my red shirt." And, as before, the ensign did as his captain asked. The battle took the rest of the day to fight, and managed to defeat the two enemy ships.

That evening, the ensign asked his captain, "Sir, Why, before every battle, do you ask for your red shirt." The captain replied, "Well, if I am wounded in battle, the blood will not show and the crew will continue to fight." The crew was listening, and they were impressed. They had a brave captain.

The next morning, the lookout sho uted, "Ten enemy ships on the horizon." The ensign looked at his captain, waiting for the usual orders. The captain said to his ensign, "Ensign, get me my brown pants."

View/Post Comments (0)