..:: ZOMBiE Destinee ::..

Wednesday, March 08, 2006
He.Is.Gone
[ZOMBiE CyGiG] ranted at 6:17 PM --- Post#114182828176320408

Scary.
Afraid.
Uneasy.

Zhe Hao rang me up...pestered me to go with him. Jun Rong was HCL classmate and NPCC squad...i kena a lot of pumpings by him last time, but never had any bad impression on him like some other batch's NCOs. I mean when Yue Han told me online he was gone, im pretty sure its some other guy by the same name. Where got so qiao one...well...

I was still damn fustrated in the morning assembly. Shld I go or anot? Would the principle ever allow me to go for such an event, especially im not so especially close to him. Furthermore im already one of the toplisted blogger who created so much trouble in AJC liao...haiz..

I met Yi yu, sher hern, shuan they all in morning assembly...then they all urge me to go. Frankly speaking, if not for them to urge me, i really wun go de. I sprang up to Ms Tang and she referred me to the office. Things dint went too smoothly until the P came along. Well she so veri concerned and released me immediately.

While filling up the early leave form, i saw Gek Han walking past and rushed out to ask if he would wish to come along with me.

“Eh，要不要去？” i tot he would understant what im toking about...apparently his blank look told me he did not。 So i made it explicit.
"TPJC ah, jun rong ah!"
He was stunned. He squinted his eyes at me and curled his forefinger repeatedly. I nod my head.
I rushed back to the office, not feeling good, i rushed out again and saw him still stood rooted there. Suddenly i remb he was oso in 4C. I hurried over and asked again if he wanted to come along....his horrendous look really scared me...he hopelessly shook his head as he stared at my early leave letter...."Reason: cremation of a friend".... and strolled off.

I dint had time....its about 8 and i must reach there before 9. P spoke to me and told me not to take it too harsh and i scurried off to the MRT station. I called Zhe Hao to confirm im coming along with him.

I noe your question...zhe hao was not in VS...so why him? Well Jun Rong was his kindergarden and primary school classmate, knew him for 14 years and he was one of those who is willing to hear Zhe Hao pour his emotions. It seems that Zhe Hao was much much much closer to jun rong than me. Oh well, he dint even went to sch that morning.

I took the train to Aljunied MRT and followed Zhe Hao to Block 60. My fear suddenly arised. Steppping into the void deck, I saw a lot of familiar faces...happy? No. I dun wish to see them. Why? Cos always when i meet old friends, it will end up very awkard. As i walk near the coffin. I had a sudden urge to see the photo. Why? Before that, i keep having the dia that either i heard the name wrongly or i got the wrong guy...i even worried how i would explain to everyone if i went to the wrong funeral...ya the usual "think too much" me. I walked past the column of pillars and finally saw the coffin.

OMG...how i wish the "think too much" me was wrong. The picture was like a sword piercing through my heart. The feeling of seeing my friend's photo in front of the coffin was nothing pleasant. I turn my sight away immediately. I rVision-ed around and saw the first table filled with 4C ppl and the rest at the back consist of i think the whole 2004 Sec 4 NPCC squad. If im not wrong the dquad was in full strength (except for jason i think), and the previous batch seniors were there too. The ppl game me a red coloured small packet with 20cents, i remembered its for good luck, buy sweets with them and eat.

They looked at me in a werid way. Expected. I knew i wasnt welcomed. I heard my name being murmered around. Perhaps i was being over sensative, but in a such a sitution of mixed feelings, my sensativity was of ultra sharpness. I dint dare to step up to realy tolk to any of them, but just some gestures and greetings. I was standing with Zhe Hao at the back, hidden from their sight. I peeped out and saw Lim Yun there too. Seems like the whole AJC only the 3 of us came.

Zhe Hao was telling me a lot of Jun Rong, thought a lot of what he said was quite repeative. i could understand him, losing a 14 years friend was no easy task for him. I dint noe how to console him. So i kept quiet all a long and remain solum.

A bus inched its way thru the carpark and TPJCians alighted in tears. Not much, perhaps only about 20 or 25. I guess it might be his PDG. All in tears. A lot of tears.

I told myself never to cry during any part of it. I dint want to make it a 悲伤(sad) event, but rather a farewell as he was being 解脱(being freed from troubles of life). I dun want Jun Rong to leave seeing all of us crying, they say he wun 去得安心 (Rest in Peace) if you cry too much (though Su Yee later told me its a myth). Also i had been too soft all along, wanna put my controls over my emotions to the greatest test.

Not long, they all queued up and each was offered a joss stick to offer the deceased prayers. I simply followed the crowd. Then i met Chung Po, he was puffing away at the step of the void deck and i called him. He Dao-ed me. Its only after 10 seconds he turn around and look at me.

"Chung chi neh?" I asked, cos i dint see my Taiwan brudder.
"没来，没看到他。。。“ He turned away and cont to puff on his cigar.

Time flew....its 9.00 le. The chatings started as they shifted the coffin to the van. We were told never to look, but some could not bear and watched. Then we boarded the bus and went to Mandai (its Mount Veron according to Yue Han). Some bastards were joking away in the bus as zhe hao began to cry (in fact he started crying dunno since when). Again i could do nothing but to remain silent.

We arrive the crematorium. In fact this is the first time i entered and witness a cremation. I had got a damn bad feeling about it. Its more scary than sad. My friend. Lying there. Burnt. Gone. Forever. Something hard to believe. Esp old memories keep attacking my brain forcing sharp grief into me. Still I dint cry.

Inside we were lead to Service Hall 2. Nice name..."service hall"...side track a bit. The b uilding was really nicely designed. Looked grant. The walls and designs and colours seemed to calm everyone down magically. On the LED board i saw "Yap Jun Rong". Again the name perice my heart. In the Service Hall, we were seated and the coffin came in. The monk gave prayers as jun rong's younger brother held and joss stick and bowed sincerely to him. I dint really saw their parents. Perhaps cannot 白发人送黑发人.

After the monk stopped his prayers, we went forward to the Viewing Hall and there...the most emotional part of the whole event...a lot of ppl cried as i hold my tears and comforted Zhe Hao. The coffin went along the railway and into the incinerator. Its not possible to see the cremation process as the door shut right after the coffin was sent inside.

Sorrow sorrow sorrow. I had nothing to say...We went and sat down as we drank some water to calm ourselves. As quickly as it stared, the bus arrived and took us back to Aljunied. Back there we were offered scared water to cleanse our hands.

Zhe Hao was quite broken up by then. He went back home (remb its only 3 blocks away) as i took my late breakfast in the kopitiam. I went up his house as he made himself noodles cos he dint eat for days.

We took 100 then 853 back sch then. I was quite heavy minded, P came and consoled us....

Actually i think what i had learnt in the morning is far more than those maths and GP ah that i missed. Its scary....sending my friend off...I dun really wish to attend anything liddat anymore. Actually i think i would value life more...serious....im serious...Rembered i once use to think of dying and tortured myself and stuff...now im more or less out of depression (for the time being...). Why? Cos im numb. Too much things happened in AJC...so much so that i became numb to all the setbacks and depression that might come...No good...Su Yee said smthing about opening my shield or what to others...dunno...

Suicide is stupid? Foolish? Well...to me. I would think that it is stupid and foolish. BUT I WUN SAY THAT MY FRIEND IS FOOLISH AND STUPID. Becos i always think unless u experience it before, its hard to say things like "nothing is the worst" or "he could had perserved". So its quite unfair to the deceased, perhaps he did the right thing? When one wants to die...he will...

Parents sad? Well maybe by suicide he is ending his pain? His long long pain? His parents and friends may feel sad for that few months, and maybe a scar, but he would had been out of his pain forever. Worth it? Its up to u to decide. BUT, it might really be dying over a really resolvable matter. How u judge if his suicide is justifiable? Difficult...so its unfair to say he is foolish.

Ok why not see it this way? He is being freed. 解脱？When he is alive, we can tell him suicide is silly...it is. We prevent it. But if it really happens...well...i think since its no turning back then instead of blaming them for being selfish and foolish, maybe we shld just show our support and bless him.

Its like i have my own believe but i dun really say "this is my believe, according to my belif, u are wrong". Nah. Mine beleife is mine belief. Beliefs may be flexible and varies with time...thats why i think suicide is silly NOW, but one day i met up with smthing disasterious...then its hard to say if my belief still holds...

Well i might be wrong over this whole idea...

And ya...i think now i noe why the sch dun like The Letter....I dun think its the gay part....but maybe more of the suicide part....

I shall end this post here. I think it will be made a classic....

Rest In Peace

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