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Sunday, May 28, 2006
Tinge of Madness
[ZOMBiE CyGiG] ranted at 3:08 PM --- Post#114880011360930943

Rainy days...rainy days are suppose to be fun and comfortable. But dunno why im starting to 胡思乱想 again. I had been thinking a lot a lot since last night.

Suddenly mid year is around the corner...I think back at all my Math...Trigo, curve sketching, functions, integration....I guess my brain had rejected and trash all of them after the promos last year. Ever since i enter JC, all my test/exams are flops. Again im wondering why am i still here. Why dint i fail Promo?

Gosh, again a lot of images and video footage got played out in my mind...I search under "VS" and i realised smthing: all that is under is "Its fun time then!". The feeling is gone. I tried looking up memories of past fun times. It all came in fragments. Where as all the unhappy stuff in AJC are all so damn vivid. I still remember their faces so well so scary. Again i began to sort out my secondary school time's memory in chronological order. Failed. Reason: I had no sense of timing. Despite me being able to capture details of events well, what ppl said, what ppl did, im unable to arrange those events in accordance to time.

One day when i graduate, memories in AJC will be marked as "trash" and they will get replace by new ones. Friends will degenerate simply becos of loss of contact. Good friends now will feel awkward in 2 years time. My school changes, my family changes, my life changes, my friends changes, even my character changes. Until that i really dunno what to believe in. What to trust, becos nothing can be trusted. I will never believe in "good friends" or "buddies". Every happy moment now is not meant to be happy, becos in 2 years time when i think back, that happy moment then will become a sad moment becos i noe everyone in that event will be gone and that i will think "why cant it be nice like the past?". I had already tried my best to cherish everything. I never regretted, just depressed.

Anyway, i will be really bored this holiday. I will sit on my comp and do nothing. Either that or i will sleep whole day so i dun 胡思乱想 anymore. Sometimes i wonder...why for this recent period of time, i never really felt sad, or that the impact of depression is much much lighter? Things got better? Thinking back. No.

Things never got better. Never. I think its cos im numb to all those. Im almost totally numb now. Thats why even the sky fall i oso wun feel a shit. "Wun feel a shit" is what my brain says. Becos my brain says so, i dunno how my heart will feel. I dun wish to know either. Thats why when my brain is tired after few weeks of little sleep, i get screwed as my heart will pout everything out.

No one will be reading this entry i guess, the one thing that noes me best is my blog. Cos my blog backs up my memory. Im sick of words like "look on the brite side", "dun think too much", "haizz..why u liddat" or anything similar...Can someone out there hear me?

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